My Tank is Full

I'm running on over drive here.

I've got a lot going on right now in terms of conference prep, general everyday things, and plus a show opening this weekend. Crazy? yes. Enjoyable? most of the time.
Things wouldn't be so crazy if my car did poop out this weekend.

I was driving down the freeway when I noticed smoke coming out of the back of my car and my RPMs began to fluctuate. After a few phone calls, a tow truck, a rescue pick up from Ty, and a rental car from the airport with my Dad, I learned that tubes  had been disconnected and caps were sealed correctly and radiator brackets were missing. The guy seemed to think that this damage looked deliberate and wondered if I had my car serviced recently--- which I did. I had my oil changed a couple of weeks ago. It made me fairly paranoid and since then my emotional tank has been at the threshold.

Sometimes its hard to put aside all that other stuff and focus on the work that is in front of you. Sometimes its not. But this week, I've been thinking about that particular issue. How is it that we carry on and provide effective therapeutic services when we could be susceptible to an amygdala hijacking at any moment.


Amygdala Hijacking - When your emotional responses take over. They are immediate and completely overwhelming and absolutely out of proportion in response to the thing that has caused it. Directly from Goleman's "Emotional Intelligence." For example, rage, anger, sadness in response to not being able to fit a keyboard into a "clown" rental car. Seriously, I don't know how music therapists work with tiny cars. 


The worst part of an amygdala hijacking, especially for me, is that I'm at the whim of my emotional responses. There isn't time to analyze or over-think. Its illogical and out of proportion... but its like a roller coaster that you can't get off. You sort of have to go with it until the ride is over. That part drives me a little batty.

This week has been another confirmation that I am in a wonderful discipline and profession. I sort of got a grip on everything after my first session yesterday. It sort of reprioritized and reorganized myself. I have a job to do and I am good at it. And I love it. And my students are amazing and they benefit from the music.  Plus the support from my colleagues both in music therapy and other disciplines lifts me up. I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way. Sometimes the work can be draining and its nice (and necessary) to be able to talk about it with other professionals at work.

Briefly (the reason why I haven't blogged recently):
One major project down for regional business (!!!!!--- that project was certainly hefty) with Conference coming up in a few weeks!
First tech rehearsal for "hell" week for the latest theater production I'm playing for!
Car should be ready to pick up this afternoon!
I picked up a new piano student!
Housesitting gig next week - just some "girl time" with Baroness Peaches.

As always, I have a lot to be excited about. :)

Growing Pains

What a weekend.

I just spent the last 24 hours in Sacramento spending time with a music therapy colleague to prep for a presentation we are giving at our conference in March.
Our presentation is sort of on a difficult topic. My colleague wasn't sure that anyone, at least in our region, has ever presented on it at conference. So, its sort of risky, I suppose. We're presenting on integrating ways of thinking in music therapy. My colleague and I come from two very different theoretical backgrounds and we have been talking about doing this type of presentation for a couple of years. I guess now is the time.
It wasn't a walk in the park to put together. Our ways of doing things are so different. Our taxonomy and language is different. And for some reason these two "camps" don't always get along. We went back and forth for at least 2 hours this morning on how to compare and contrast the two models. I was about ready to shut down out of frustration and my colleague (who is also a good friend) was pushing and pushing.

We finally ended up where we needed to get, but not without taking a break to process everything we were trying to cover. It was a good experience and the frustration we felt is something we can draw upon for our presentation.

I'm back home now and happily lounging after a productive 24 hours.
My brain is officially fried.

Acceptance

Today is an important day.

Today I achieved Acceptance. 
Turns out I have been grieving the fact that I went into private practice. See, I wanted someone to want me enough to pay me on vacation and sick days and benefits to work full time. That's what I really wanted right out of internship. I didn't want to work for my self - the main reasons being accounting and the administrative side of the business. I wanted (and still do) to be a clinician. All of the time.

A light bulb went off today while I was driving home.
I went through the stages of grief over this private practice thing (from the Kubler-Ross model).
1. Denial - For a while I was convinced that this was not what I wanted to do and that I wasn't going to do it. Someone would hire me. No big deal.
2. Anger - Why Me? There wasn't a whole lot of this, I don't think, but there were instances where I felt "why am I doing this. I hate this."
3. Bargaining  - If I just work for the first 3 months under contract, they will hire me.
4. Depression - This sucks. I hate this. What? I have to reconcile every month? No. This is why I didn't want to work for myself. I don't feel like doing any of this. Can I run away to mexico and be one of those people that sells grains of rice with names written on them. Yes, I've thought about that.
5. Acceptance - Today.
Today, I came to accept my private-practice-ness.

About a week ago, I had this feeling that the school would never hire me. I felt strangely okay with that.  I felt that was kind of weird because I have written so much about wanting them to just hire me. But in the last few weeks or so, I've experienced a change of heart.

Then today, I was meeting with a colleague and it finally donned on me. I'm doing pretty well on my own. It is better for me to be in private practice at this point in my career. Its okay to approach some other schools and try and get another contract somewhere.  I'd been hesitant to call another school for autism to inquire about music because of my emotional attachment to this current school.

Thought I'd share that epiphany. I told Julie to mark it down in the calendar as the day I accepted my private practiceness.
I will now go help myself to some cookies. I think I deserve it.

Reclaiming my Time!

I am reclaiming my weekends.
I have decided to transition out of my Sunday groups and move my sometimes Saturday session to another weeknight. That means I will have weekends to relax and recharge.
As of March, my schedule will change. I will do a lot less driving every month. I will miss my Sunday clients, but in the grand scheme of things, if I keep going at this rate, I will surely burn out. This a preventative and solid decision.
I feel pretty good about it.

Also, I have survived prepping my taxes for the first time.
Big shout out to my dad, The Don, for his tireless work. He went through everything with me and for me, made sure that everything was set up, and that every cent was reconciled. It was a lot of work, but we did it. My statements are ready to go to the accountant AND we did it without any yelling at each other. There was plenty of yelling and pounding tables, but for completely unrelated reasons. So thanks Dad, love you! I think I almost understand how this stuff works. :)

Songwriting

Today one of my groups wrote a song.

It was about disgusting things: Wiping your nose on your sleeve, not showering, mud and of course.. poop.
Yes, it happened to be a group of boys.... could you have guessed?

Aside from the subject matter, the guys were feeding off of each other, appropriate interacting and contributing to this songwriting process. They were motivated and seemed to have a good time. They were on task and everything they were contributing was absolutely related to the topic at hand. Also, at the end there was a sense of group cohesion. It brought us together and gave us a few laughs.
We also recognized that the events in the song were "gross!" and if we identified them, we know not to do them. No body wants to shake the hand of someone who has been wiping their nose with their hands/sleeve.

I guess it doesn't always matter what the content is... if the topic is motivating and relevant and can be shaped to work towards their goals, then why not (....within reason)?


It was an informative and productive 25 minutes.  :)