Acceptance

Today is an important day.

Today I achieved Acceptance. 
Turns out I have been grieving the fact that I went into private practice. See, I wanted someone to want me enough to pay me on vacation and sick days and benefits to work full time. That's what I really wanted right out of internship. I didn't want to work for my self - the main reasons being accounting and the administrative side of the business. I wanted (and still do) to be a clinician. All of the time.

A light bulb went off today while I was driving home.
I went through the stages of grief over this private practice thing (from the Kubler-Ross model).
1. Denial - For a while I was convinced that this was not what I wanted to do and that I wasn't going to do it. Someone would hire me. No big deal.
2. Anger - Why Me? There wasn't a whole lot of this, I don't think, but there were instances where I felt "why am I doing this. I hate this."
3. Bargaining  - If I just work for the first 3 months under contract, they will hire me.
4. Depression - This sucks. I hate this. What? I have to reconcile every month? No. This is why I didn't want to work for myself. I don't feel like doing any of this. Can I run away to mexico and be one of those people that sells grains of rice with names written on them. Yes, I've thought about that.
5. Acceptance - Today.
Today, I came to accept my private-practice-ness.

About a week ago, I had this feeling that the school would never hire me. I felt strangely okay with that.  I felt that was kind of weird because I have written so much about wanting them to just hire me. But in the last few weeks or so, I've experienced a change of heart.

Then today, I was meeting with a colleague and it finally donned on me. I'm doing pretty well on my own. It is better for me to be in private practice at this point in my career. Its okay to approach some other schools and try and get another contract somewhere.  I'd been hesitant to call another school for autism to inquire about music because of my emotional attachment to this current school.

Thought I'd share that epiphany. I told Julie to mark it down in the calendar as the day I accepted my private practiceness.
I will now go help myself to some cookies. I think I deserve it.